Sometimes I wish I could be "that girl."

Have you ever met someone and thought "Wow, what an awesome person! She is so organized, put together, thoughtful, happy, considerate..." and any other beaming quality that you feel you fall short on? Indeed, and I have the pleasure of knowing a few ladies who fall into that special category of women that I can never be. 

Self-awareness can be a person's greatest ally and greatest foe, all at the same time. I understand, as probably everyone does, that I'm not perfect by any stretch. I am judgmental, I am lazy and I am negative. These characteristics are the most poignant in my mind and the ones I feel like I'm always trying to change with little success. Sure, some days I think I'm completely justified in being, well, me, because of my circumstances. I can tell myself that I'm fine just the way I am, and 99% of the time I completely believe and accept it with no hesitation. I spent a fair amount of time throughout the course of my life trying to figure out who I am and what I should or shouldn't be for myself and others. Now that I've hit my 30s, I feel pretty secure in what I stand for and who I have become.

But other times, I see "that girl" and think "I can do so much better." I can be more organized with my time and my efforts. I can put more effort forth to the things I want to accomplish. I can accomplish more by seeing things more positively. I can be a more positive person by not constantly judging others and myself. I can let go of some of the negativity that I've been carrying around with me for more than a decade. I can make other people's lives a little brighter, just like "that girl" makes my life happier. I am capable of doing all these things every single day....so why don't I?

One presumed reason: it takes a lot of effort. As stated earlier, I am lazy. I accept that. Oh sure, I can schmooze with the best of them, especially if it's in the context of at work. But I spend so much effort getting through the work day, that when I'm off the clock, my tolerance for schmoozing comes to an end. I just want to be able to be negative or sarcastic or whatever and not feel like I'll be reprimanded. That's not too much to ask, right?

I find myself using this phrase a lot: "I don't want to spend my extremely valuable free time doing ________ if I don't feel like it. I work hard and I should spend my personal time on things that I actually want to do." While I feel like there is nothing wrong with this sentiment, I can also see the selfishness in it. A little part of me can (and will) feel guilty if the said event involves family, friends, work, etc. and there's no real excuse for me to skip out. Again, with the laziness. 

Another reason I will never truly be "that girl": In order to harness self-awareness, I have to be honest about who I am. And the majority of the time, I just am not "that girl." I feel like anything more than a sincere effort to simply be kind to others would just be faking it. And if you know me, you know I can't stand fake people. I prefer it when people can just be real and not blow bubbles of bullshit in my face. And I definitely prefer it when I can look someone else in the eye, tell them the truth and know that we're both OK with that arrangement. 

One of the things I think I'm most judgmental about with others is self-esteem. When I think about certain people who exhibit these traits of low self-esteem, I wonder why that is and, to be honest, it annoys me. I shouldn't judge; I struggled with my self-esteem for a number of years. But now that I'm 31 years old and feel mostly secure in my identity, I suppose I feel like everyone else should, too. And I know deep down that's not realistic. Again, I'm judgmental. Like, a lot. (I'll work on that.)

Like I said, 99% of the time, my attitude about myself and others pretty much consists of "what you see is what you get. Like it, or don't like it, I don't really care." And I can live with that. But I suppose it's a good thing for all of us to strive to be more like "that girl." I know that I can do better, even in the smallest or seemingly insignificant way. I sure don't want to be the other kind of "that girl;" the one that people wish would just go away. 



[Soapbox: Be yourself. If someone doesn't like it, fuck 'em.]

I have a DREAM...

I read an article in the Indystar today about six people, five of them illegal immigrants, who staged a protest at the governor's office, and were subsequently arrested for doing so. These people were protesting Mitch Daniels' plans to sign two bills, one of which would deny undocumented students in-state tuition fees and triple their tuition costs (HB 1402). The other bill would penalize businesses that knowingly hire illegal immigrants (SB 590).

It seems their protest was a last ditch effort to speak out against these bills and carried no real weight, as Daniel's spokesperson has stated he plans to sign both bills. One of the protesters claimed Daniels refused to meet with them, so they had no other option in order to let their voices be heard. Well, Mitch Daniels may not have heard their voices, but I did. And I, of course, have an opinion about it, specifically the House bill, the one that would raise undocumented students' tuition.

Let me first ask a stupid question: Don't we strongly encourage young adults to maximize their potential contributions to society by pursuing higher education? Don't we want the faces of the future to be educated, competent human beings, especially since they're the ones who are going to be taking care of us later in our lives?

If the answer to the questions above is "yes," then let me ask this more obvious question: Then why in the hell is our state government trying to pass legislation that would prevent the above from occurring??

I wonder if Daniels realizes that when people can't afford to better themselves, it's likely they probably won't. When I read about the rampant, senseless crime that occurs on a DAILY basis in our cities, my mind always wanders back to where that man or woman or teenager or child went wrong. Absentee parent(s)? Lack of education? Socioeconomical status? Mental health issues? Born a sociopath? Perhaps it's a little bit of everything. Perhaps it's only one of those reasons. You can't tell me that taking higher education off the table for young adults exemplifies our generic standard of personal success and public well-being. It doesn't. In fact, it says the complete opposite. It says that we could give a shit about a person's potential for success; we're more interested in flagging and tagging.

I realize one can't have this discussion without acknowledging the issue of illegal immigration and the role it plays in this particular debate. But right now, I'm just focused on the lunacy of HB 1402. Sure, let's tell someone to succeed and do good, but first we're going to put a forcefield in your way. Stupid, for sure.

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

I've been contemplating changing jobs recently, for a few reasons.

First, I have been at the same job for about six years now, and it has become a little monotonous, to say the least. I feel challenged in all the wrong ways--as in, it's a challenge to put my best foot forward. It's a challenge to not tell a particular co-worker how big of a d-bag he is on an hourly basis. It's a challenge to not bring home all my stress and frustration and take it out on the people I like.

Second, I have the advantage of not having a lot of daily stress in my personal life (i.e. kids). Bob has said that if I want to change jobs, now's the time to do it, and I suppose I agree. Obviously I would secure a job first before quitting my current one, but the idea of such a big change makes me anxious regardless. The older I get, the more resistant I am to change in my routine and change in my life. But I need to make a change, or I will become a miserable settler. No one wins with that.

Third, I'm not positive that mental health is my life's calling. And even if it turns out it actually is, I'm not sure that working with adults is where I want to stay. I've never really had a "serious" job that dealt much with children or adolescents...what would that be like? I would love to have a job where I didn't have to really think all that much or use any of my vocational skills whatsoever for maybe just a few months. But I would eventually rejoin a level of job that matches my educational resume a little better. But I think that few months' break would be awesome. Kind of like a vacation away from real responsibility.

I've been contemplating a change of jobs for a little while now, maybe a few weeks, and funnily enough I have yet to even look on a job website. I think that would signal real movement towards something new taking place, and I'm still a little apprehensive. However, I do read the job classifieds in the newspaper every Wednesday, and let me just say: the pickings are slim.

Soapbox moment, brought to you in part by Bob:
No matter how insignificant you feel the work you're doing is, you're still an active, contributing member of society and therefore you are valuable in some way.

What the hell is a "pregnant pause??"

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I think it's my subconscious's way of making my life a little more difficult and unsure. Explanation: Being knee deep in both short- and long-term goals for house projects have recently caused me to rethink my longtime, predetermined timeline of parenthood.

I always said I wanted to try for kids after my 30th birthday, which happens to be next year. To me, turning 30 is a big deal and has always seemed as such; I'm even taking a trip to Key West to celebrate this tremendous milestone! For one thing, I will usher in a brand new decade in my life in which I get to face a whole boatload of possibilities while drawing experience and wisdom (hopefully!) from all the good and bad of my twenties. And, as mentioned above, turning 30 has always been my cue to grow up, get more serious about my life's goals and punch out some kids if I choose to do so.

Naturally, getting older means my time has come to face such things as home improvement projects, budgeting, a mortgage, maintaining a nice yard, landscaping design, and other major expenses. Just the other day, I perused the Home Depot ad looking for a good deal on an edger. I also priced out a leafblower. In general, I've replaced malls and bar-hopping with Lowes and leaf-mulching.

With all the items on our to-do list and with all the financial weight that having kids carries, I'm not so sure anymore about my foolproof plan of getting knocked up at age 30. I've always wanted kids...three, to be exact, but I compromised with Bob and will settle for two. But just the other day, while I was in my fifth hour of working in the yard, and Bob was in his fifth hour of working on his car, I realized that if we had kids, I wouldn't have been able to do 5 hours of yard work; I might not have been able to do 5 minutes of yard work. This wasn't the first time the thought's crossed my mind.

I used to look at a couples without kids with some confusion...why wouldn't they want children? Doesn't life seem empty and meaningless without kids to raise? Isn't procreation inherently in everyone's blood? Clearly all families are different. Now that I'm older and I have to make my money reach farther, the idea of living my own life childless isn't so far-fetched of a concept.

And, to add even more so to the burden of making a decision, there is an expiration date for women to pop out the babies; I've declared age 34 as my "sell by" date. I am a very firm believer in a woman taking responsibility and deciding she does or does not want kids by a certain age so as to decrease the incidence of birth defects as much as possible. [If I ever met Geena Davis or Mariah Carey, I would have a few choice words for them and remind them of how lucky they are to have millions of dollars to use toward fertility aides, since they selfishly decided to wait until their forties to get knocked up.] You men have it so good, you have no idea. You can be fathers at age 65...not that I know anyone besides Larry King who would want that, but it's still true.

I know I still have plenty of time to make a firm decision about whether or not to have children. But I sure wish I felt more decisive about it; at least I could know whether or not I should start putting away money now for braces and daycare.

[my soap box moment]

A life or death situation

Since we get the newspaper at work, I usually read it every day. My go-to section used to be the "Extra" section with the comics, advice columns, 'Let It Out' and crossword. Now my go-to section is the "Metro," which contains the local news.

Day after day, I read about some dead body being found in an alley or someone who was shot on the street. After that, I go to the obituaries and glance through them to see if there are any familiar names. I also tend to observe the ages of the deceased. Obviously, most of the departed are above age 60 or 70, but sometimes I'll see a 25 year-old or a 16 year-old or an infant. This past week, I read about a 29 year-old graduate from Lawrence North High School who died in a car accident on his way to Spring Break.

With the recent passing of Officer David Moore, a guy who had been in my high school class, it really hit me how a person could exist one day and then be gone the next. It wasn't that I was even close to him or friends with him in high school. It was the fact that he was my age and I had interacted with him at a point in my life. It was the fact that he was a police officer, an occupation that I admire and highly respect, though I would never choose that job for myself, my children, or my spouse. The thin line between life and death is probably more evident in a job such as his, but even your "innocent bystander" can be here one day and gone in an instant, as we saw in the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords & company in Arizona.

Thursday morning of the past week, I found out a co-worker had passed away the night before. She had been at about the 1-year mark of being diagnosed with lung cancer, and only a couple weeks prior to her passing, she had left work to go on disability because breathing had become too difficult. Ever since she was diagnosed with cancer, her condition never appeared to improve; it only went downhill. I suppose it was to be expected; the cancer was diagnosed in the late stages and she was in her early fifties.

Still, I don't think you ever really expect it when someone you had just seen two weeks prior passes away one night and that's it, and that's all. A similar thing happened with my grandma; she was in the hospital for testing, and I visited her, along with some of my friends, the night before she passed away. We were out walking around the neighborhood and stopped in at the hospital to say hello.

That was one of the greatest losses in my life, but I recall how grateful I felt in the aftermath of her passing that I had gotten to see her and talk to her once more before she died. I know there are people who don't get that chance; they live far away from loved ones, they are estranged, or the death is a tragic, unforeseen one.

Death is nothing new to me and you, I'm sure. But it's interesting to be a witness to the different contexts in which it occurs. Some are just a sigh of exasperation because someone shot someone else in a gang-related fight. Some are really troublesome, because an adult killed a baby. Some are very painful, because it was a person you loved. Eventually, one day, it will be me. Eventually one day it will be you.

Here's my soapbox moment (which I have just decided will be present in every post): remember that the decisions you make today might come back to bite you in 20 years. Remember that life is a fragile thing. Death is not worth taking stupid risks over. Make sure you put forth the effort to show the ones you love that you care; you will not have the chance to do so when they're gone.

A change will do you good.

I've been thinking a lot lately about change. On a daily basis it seems, I see evidence of how much my life has changed and how I have changed with it. (To the contrary, however, whenever someone asks me "What's new?" it feels like I have nothing to say!)

Some of these changes feel like a normal evolution of personality and environment as the weeks, months and years go by. Some of these changes are troublesome to me and I tend to overthink them. Some of the changes are ones I can easily accept, and some are ones that I cannot and do not want to accept.

An example or two...

*I no longer have much interest in roaming the streets of Broad Ripple on the weekend nights, like I once did for 3-4 solid years. Now don't get me wrong; I love Broad Ripple and the things it has to offer. It was, as mentioned above, a pretty large part of my early- to mid-twenties. And there is still the occasional Saturday evening spent out at the bars until 2am with drinking and dancing present and accounted for. But as a general preference, I have lately found more joy in putting on sweats, making a martini and curling up on the couch with Netflix. Or, even better, game night at someone's home with beers and Apples to Apples. Yes, I know it sounds like I'm waving the flag of defeat to nightlife and partying; I'm really not. I'm simply pointing out that my limited expense fund for "Saturday night fun" gets more bang for its buck when spent at the liquor store, rather than the bar.

*I care more about things that I never had before and I wish I had cared more about these things ten years ago. Namely, the food I eat, where it comes from, buying American-made products, exercising enough, eating healthfully, adopting self-sustaining practices, learning how to garden, taking care of my body, responsible consumerism, and making real changes that reflect my political and social beliefs. I have found a lot of knowledge and good sense in making these things a bigger priority in my life, and I regret that it's taken me this long to get with a program that makes me feel like a productive, contributing human being.

*With married life and a house and yard to care for year-round, my quality time spent with my friends in a social setting has decreased and, thus, become more important to me when I have the opportunity to hang out with them. Recently, it's become clear to me that my daily life situation can differ so much from someone else's that there isn't much common ground left. An emotional distance just kind of snuck in, and I don't know how to handle it. (This might be one of those changes that get overthought!) I know that with negative change can come positive change, but it can throw me totally off my game when I least expect it, and I don't like that at all. And somehow, I feel less resilient. I feel hypersensitive to certain things and situations, and I'm certainly finding that one hard to adjust to.

So those are just a smattering of the examples of change I see right now in my life. Nothing devastating, nothing epic. Historically, I hate change; I like knowing what to expect and what to do. But obviously, change is going to happen whether I like it or not, so I guess I should embrace it and get comfy...my thirties are just around the corner, rife with change, possibility, opportunity and hopefully the occasional Saturday night spent closing down the bar...for old times' sake.

I missed you too.

I've decided to rejoin the blogging world. Why? Well for one thing, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head on a daily basis, and this gives me a chance to organize those thoughts somewhat. Another reason--it gives me something else online to use as a distraction from productive work besides Facebook and theindychannel.com. So read it if you care to, or don't. I won't pretend to think that what I have to say is of any real significance to anyone, but if reading this blog serves as a welcome distraction for you, then my job was done. Hoohah.