I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I think it's my subconscious's way of making my life a little more difficult and unsure. Explanation: Being knee deep in both short- and long-term goals for house projects have recently caused me to rethink my longtime, predetermined timeline of parenthood.
I always said I wanted to try for kids after my 30th birthday, which happens to be next year. To me, turning 30 is a big deal and has always seemed as such; I'm even taking a trip to Key West to celebrate this tremendous milestone! For one thing, I will usher in a brand new decade in my life in which I get to face a whole boatload of possibilities while drawing experience and wisdom (hopefully!) from all the good and bad of my twenties. And, as mentioned above, turning 30 has always been my cue to grow up, get more serious about my life's goals and punch out some kids if I choose to do so.
Naturally, getting older means my time has come to face such things as home improvement projects, budgeting, a mortgage, maintaining a nice yard, landscaping design, and other major expenses. Just the other day, I perused the Home Depot ad looking for a good deal on an edger. I also priced out a leafblower. In general, I've replaced malls and bar-hopping with Lowes and leaf-mulching.
With all the items on our to-do list and with all the financial weight that having kids carries, I'm not so sure anymore about my foolproof plan of getting knocked up at age 30. I've always wanted kids...three, to be exact, but I compromised with Bob and will settle for two. But just the other day, while I was in my fifth hour of working in the yard, and Bob was in his fifth hour of working on his car, I realized that if we had kids, I wouldn't have been able to do 5 hours of yard work; I might not have been able to do 5 minutes of yard work. This wasn't the first time the thought's crossed my mind.
I used to look at a couples without kids with some confusion...why wouldn't they want children? Doesn't life seem empty and meaningless without kids to raise? Isn't procreation inherently in everyone's blood? Clearly all families are different. Now that I'm older and I have to make my money reach farther, the idea of living my own life childless isn't so far-fetched of a concept.
And, to add even more so to the burden of making a decision, there is an expiration date for women to pop out the babies; I've declared age 34 as my "sell by" date. I am a very firm believer in a woman taking responsibility and deciding she does or does not want kids by a certain age so as to decrease the incidence of birth defects as much as possible. [If I ever met Geena Davis or Mariah Carey, I would have a few choice words for them and remind them of how lucky they are to have millions of dollars to use toward fertility aides, since they selfishly decided to wait until their forties to get knocked up.] You men have it so good, you have no idea. You can be fathers at age 65...not that I know anyone besides Larry King who would want that, but it's still true.
I know I still have plenty of time to make a firm decision about whether or not to have children. But I sure wish I felt more decisive about it; at least I could know whether or not I should start putting away money now for braces and daycare.
[my soap box moment]
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