Have you ever met someone and thought "Wow, what an awesome person! She is so organized, put together, thoughtful, happy, considerate..." and any other beaming quality that you feel you fall short on? Indeed, and I have the pleasure of knowing a few ladies who fall into that special category of women that I can never be.
Self-awareness can be a person's greatest ally and greatest foe, all at the same time. I understand, as probably everyone does, that I'm not perfect by any stretch. I am judgmental, I am lazy and I am negative. These characteristics are the most poignant in my mind and the ones I feel like I'm always trying to change with little success. Sure, some days I think I'm completely justified in being, well, me, because of my circumstances. I can tell myself that I'm fine just the way I am, and 99% of the time I completely believe and accept it with no hesitation. I spent a fair amount of time throughout the course of my life trying to figure out who I am and what I should or shouldn't be for myself and others. Now that I've hit my 30s, I feel pretty secure in what I stand for and who I have become.
But other times, I see "that girl" and think "I can do so much better." I can be more organized with my time and my efforts. I can put more effort forth to the things I want to accomplish. I can accomplish more by seeing things more positively. I can be a more positive person by not constantly judging others and myself. I can let go of some of the negativity that I've been carrying around with me for more than a decade. I can make other people's lives a little brighter, just like "that girl" makes my life happier. I am capable of doing all these things every single day....so why don't I?
One presumed reason: it takes a lot of effort. As stated earlier, I am lazy. I accept that. Oh sure, I can schmooze with the best of them, especially if it's in the context of at work. But I spend so much effort getting through the work day, that when I'm off the clock, my tolerance for schmoozing comes to an end. I just want to be able to be negative or sarcastic or whatever and not feel like I'll be reprimanded. That's not too much to ask, right?
I find myself using this phrase a lot: "I don't want to spend my extremely valuable free time doing ________ if I don't feel like it. I work hard and I should spend my personal time on things that I actually want to do." While I feel like there is nothing wrong with this sentiment, I can also see the selfishness in it. A little part of me can (and will) feel guilty if the said event involves family, friends, work, etc. and there's no real excuse for me to skip out. Again, with the laziness.
Another reason I will never truly be "that girl": In order to harness self-awareness, I have to be honest about who I am. And the majority of the time, I just am not "that girl." I feel like anything more than a sincere effort to simply be kind to others would just be faking it. And if you know me, you know I can't stand fake people. I prefer it when people can just be real and not blow bubbles of bullshit in my face. And I definitely prefer it when I can look someone else in the eye, tell them the truth and know that we're both OK with that arrangement.
One of the things I think I'm most judgmental about with others is self-esteem. When I think about certain people who exhibit these traits of low self-esteem, I wonder why that is and, to be honest, it annoys me. I shouldn't judge; I struggled with my self-esteem for a number of years. But now that I'm 31 years old and feel mostly secure in my identity, I suppose I feel like everyone else should, too. And I know deep down that's not realistic. Again, I'm judgmental. Like, a lot. (I'll work on that.)
Like I said, 99% of the time, my attitude about myself and others pretty much consists of "what you see is what you get. Like it, or don't like it, I don't really care." And I can live with that. But I suppose it's a good thing for all of us to strive to be more like "that girl." I know that I can do better, even in the smallest or seemingly insignificant way. I sure don't want to be the other kind of "that girl;" the one that people wish would just go away.
[Soapbox: Be yourself. If someone doesn't like it, fuck 'em.]
No comments:
Post a Comment